A Matter of Trust
by MySongStory
Summary: A series of one-shot song-fics based on Chuck and Sarah's relationship. Inspired by brickroad16 fabulous Collide. Chapter 7: When You Need Me now up!
1. A Matter of Trust-Redux

**"A Matter Of Trust-Redux"**

**_New A/N:_**_ For those of you wondering why I'm reposting this, I have been informed that although my story is good, _

_"_since it has the copied lyrics of Billy Joel's "A Matter of Trust", it breaks the following part of the Content Guidelines: Actions not allowed: 3. Copying from a previously published work (including musical lyrics) not in the public domain."

_I have been asked to remove the lyrics to avoid account closure. And so I have. I'm not sure it works as well and would love to hear from those who have read both versions._

_BTW – if you don't know the song you can listen along and find the lyrics here: _ /oZ5JUwY65NY_  
_

_**A/N #1:**__ I believe that every song has a story behind it, and vice versa. To me, the story of Chuck and Sarah's romance is an eclectic playlist that gets longer by the day. Don't expect this to be a cohesive story. It's a series of one shots that will jump around and might contradict itself. You can expect that all of the stories in this compilation will have a song woven into it's fabric. Some people don't like that style, and I completely understand. For those of you who do, I hope you enjoy what I post._

_The first chapter is the "title chapter". I've always believed that Chuck and Sarah's relationship was based on trust – or the lack of it. _

_I don't own Chuck or the song A Matter of Trust, but I enjoy them both. I hope you enjoy them together._

**_XXXXXXXXXX_**

One

"_I need you to do one more thing for me."_

"_Yeah?"_

"_Trust me Chuck."_

Two

"_I'm asking you to trust me. Sarah, I don't want anything from you. I just want you to know that wherever you go, I'll be there to help you. Someone you can call whenever. Trust me, Sarah. I'm here for you always."_

One, toe, three, four_**  
**_

Sarah wasn't sure how _**A Matter of Trust **_found it's way into one of Chuck's playlists. Billy Joel didn't seem to fit Chuck's eclectic taste in 80's infused indies. Maybe it had always been there. It certainly hadn't affected her in the past. It had never spoken to her as personally as it did now. She found herself looping the song, sometimes listening to it three, four times in a row, knowing that somewhere in the lyrics were more answers.

Because she had already found one.

It had been almost five years since Sarah asked Chuck to trust her. Almost five weeks since he asked for her trust.

Her and Chuck, it had always been a matter of trust.

Sarah knew that now. Her heart told her that loud and clear.

Now if only she could trust her heart.

Once she accepted that, her memories had started coming back in waves. Sarah had never trusted anyone the way she trusted Chuck and it was a little disconcerting to realize how much she did.

_**XXXXX**_

Sarah listened as the song played through the first verse, thinking about her relationship with Bryce.

Saying she trusted Bryce would be a lie.

Sarah didn't even know how to describe her relationship with him._ "It's complicated"_ her inner voice replied with a fair amount of sarcasm_._

Bryce was a good partner, until he wasn't.

They never shared anything real, maybe because they were afraid it would make them weak in the other person's eyes. If she didn't trust her own heart, how could she trust it to someone else? So she didn't open up to him and she didn't want him to open up to her. She didn't want to owe him anything.

She did share a bed with him. Physically, they were intimate but it was nothing more than some comfort in a world full of lies and loneliness. It was full of passion and heat at first, but like starting a fire with nothing but kindling, it quickly became cold. The afterglow of comfort and belonging got shorter and shorter. Without adding something substantial of themselves to keep it going, it burned out each time and was becoming more and more difficult to restart.

And that was okay. They both knew the relationship would end. And before it did, she didn't want to get burned.

_**XXXXX**_

As the song continued playing, Sarah took a hard look at her life. As the daughter of a conman, as a CIA Agent, Sarah thought she had always lived a life that was close to the fire.

Until she realized that she hadn't. She had always remained emotionally detached and far enough away from the fire.

Then she met Chuck.

Slowly, surely, he pulled her closer and closer to the flame. That led to the only time she had been burned. Prague.

She was willing to give up everything for him and he walked away from her. Except, she had never told him what she was doing or why. Oh, she told him how the CIA could change him, but that wasn't why she was doing it. She never told him how she felt or that he was the most important part of her life. She didn't trust her heart enough. She had danced around that fire, assuming he would know.

But he didn't.

And she got burned.

And it hurt. A lot. Sarah vowed she would never get burned again.

"_Don't worry Chuck, you can't hurt me." _accompanied the memory of sweeping Chuck off his feet with a B_ō_.

_Great, _she thought, _I can't even get a good memory back._

She kept her vow. She kept her distance. She played it safe. And Dani.. – no, no! Shaw. Shaw told her he was the safest man in the world.

But then he wasn't.

She realized there really weren't any good memories from that time.

_**XXXXX**_

Sarah thought about that for a minute and swallowed hard. She didn't want anyone to know how emotional she really was. But Chuck knew. She didn't know how, but he did.

Admitting she had lost faith in this world would be admitting that Chuck, Chuck was her world. She turned her back on him because her had turned his back on her and walked away. She had trusted him with her heart, and he selfishly thought of only himself.

Except, he didn't.

"_You were hurt that I didn't run away with you in Prague. I did that and I'm sorry. You have to know that you were everything I ever wanted. But how could I do that? How could I run away with you? How could I be with you knowing what I turned my back on, you know? Knowing that what I had in my head could help a lot of people. And you're the one that taught me that - that being a spy is about choosing something bigger. It's about putting aside your own personal feelings for the greater good. And that's what I choose. I chose to be a spy for my friends, my family and you. I chose to be a spy because... Sarah, I love you."_

He had chosen to be selfless, to give up his life, his normal life for the greater good.

She was a big part of his greater good.

It should have been her moment of truth.

But it hurt and she didn't want to be hurt again.

And she was afraid.

_**XXXXX**_

She thought Chuck was changing and nothing he could say convinced her otherwise. Actions spoke louder than words and she was a woman of action. It was too easy for him to burn an asset; too easy to lie; too easy to loose himself to the Greater Good. He looked comfortable and she knew he was loosing himself, just as she had lost herself so many years ago. His action told her that he wasn't her Chuck anymore.

But she had started to find herself again. Chuck had helped her do that but he wasn't her Chuck anymore. She had lost faith in him … and she was afraid she would lose herself again.

So she told .. Shaw .. her name. And then she almost lost her life with her past and her present watching in horror.

The CIA had warned her that _Emotions can get you killed_. They were so close to being right.

_**XXXXX**_

_Don't trust anyone_ Dad would say.

_Spy's don't fall in love_ Carina would say.

These were the words she chose to live by and they effectively blocked out every word Chuck said. But he kept trying.

"_You took a chance. You-you loved someone, maybe for the first time in your life, all you've ever done before is-is shut off your feelings. You - you bury them deep down inside. Because in your profession, in your line of work, it's a liability, right? It's - it - it can certainly be a liability. And I know, I know that you think you messed up your life because you opened up your heart. But maybe you helped open up her heart in the process. Maybe because you loved her. She's learned how to love too."_

She had to resist him, she had to block him out. She couldn't loose herself in him again.

He wasn't safe.

He could hurt her again.

She didn't think she could survive if he did.

She was afraid.

_**XXXXX**_

She gave up on him. But he never gave up on her.

" _Look, I don't want to pester you, Sarah uh, or become some-some nuisance that you can't avoid. I've- I've seen Morgan go down that road far too many times to count. And since I've already given the fancy, eloquent version of this speech before, right now I'm just gonna be blunt and honest. I love you. One more time just because it feels really nice to say, I love you. I feel like I've been bottling this up forever. I love you."…._

Time after time he jumped right into the fire and he got burned.

But he never stopped. He was willing to give her his heart to do whatever she wanted with.

" _I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm-I'm getting out of hand, but, look, you were right in Prague. You and I, we're perfect for each other and I want to spend the rest of my life with you."_

Chuck didn't hold anything back. Win or lose, he was putting it all out there for her.

For her….

That was the moment that she realized Chuck had never changed.

He never stopped. He never quit. He never worried about going to far.

He was a Bartowski, and he was acting like one.

_**XXXXX**_

That's when she realized that Shaw was a lie. There was no love there, just emotionless detachment. A warm body to distract her from what she had lost.

He wasn't safe either. That was just another lie. Being with him killed her a little bit every day. Staying with him would leave her empty. Hollow.

At first, she thought that was good. There wouldn't be any pain. But there wouldn't be any joy either, no happiness, no trust, no intimacy.

No life … at least not for her.

_**XXXXX**_

Still, up to the end, she believed that Shaw was a good spy. He had been able to compartmentalize his wife's death and Sarah's role in it. He showed no emotion.

Except, that he had.

Shaw had the opportunity to take down the RING by sacrificing himself, and he chose to enact his own personal vengeance. Going in alone was fool hardy, and reckless. It was an emotional response that had had lurked under the surface for so long, it practically erupted.

It was wrong.

It should have told Sarah how emotional he was and how dangerous those emotions were. But he had said all the right words, assuring Sarah and General Beckman that they could still be a good team.

Shaw was a good spy. She believed that a little too long and that belief almost cost her life.

Chuck knew that the whole situation was wrong. Chuck realized how driven Shaw was for vengeance. Only Chuck realized that no one could be that emotionally detached. Chuck knew, because … because he's Chuck. Her Chuck.

Her Chuck saved her. Again.

_**XXXXX**_

The CIA was the biggest lie of them all.

Sarah thought she loved her job, until she realized that she didn't. The CIA didn't give her a life of purpose, it took everything away from her. It would have taken away her very soul if it could.

It almost did. Her Red Test changed her into someone she didn't like, someone that didn't deserve love and happiness. It had made Sarah destroy life and that almost destroyed hers.

Almost.

Since she had met Chuck, it had become a constant battle for the ultimate state of control. The CIA knew how dangerous Chuck was to that control. Why else would they put so much effort into keeping them apart? So they lied. They talked about protocol. They stressed the cardinal rule; they trotted out a 49B; they praised Shaw for being an American Hero. They pounded and pounded and pounded away until Sarah didn't trust her heart. How could she if she trusted the CIA?

Except, now she didn't trust them. She didn't need to. She had Chuck.

_**XXXXX**_

Sarah knew in her heart that she loved Chuck. Her heart didn't lie. It told her it had always been a matter of trust. And Chuck was teaching her to trust her heart. He was a gift.

And with that, she was overwhelmed with another memory, a memory of being in their pajamas, a paper doily her head and Chuck in his tux jacket.

"_Chuck, you're a gift. You're a gift I never dreamed I could want or need. And everyday I will show you that you're a gift I deserve. You make me the best person I could ever hope to be. And I want to spend, and learn, and love the rest of my life with you."_

Sarah smiled. This was a good memory. She had gotten her answers and they weren't complicated.

It was all just a matter of trust.

**_* A Matter of Trust. Single by Billy Joel from the Album The Bridge. Released in 1986._**

_**Fini.**_

**_A/N #2_**_: This turned out very different from how I first imagined it. A writer on this site, whom I admire, once said that you have to let the story go where it wants to go. I did. I hope you enjoyed it._


	2. Home

"**Home" **

_**AN**__: This is one of my video log entries originally published at Victoria Noir's - Sarah Walker's Mission Log - on tumblr. She e_nthusiastically _encouraged me to do this. I added to it a bit but it's still short and sweet._

_I can't put the lyrics in the story, but I can use an epigraph to highlight the chapter. And I can't put a link to the song in my story but I did put a link my profile. Go there if you want to have a listen - or see how you can read it as originally written._

_I don't own Chuck or Home, but Chuck is Sarah's home and I'm good with that._

_Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx_

_**The trouble it might drag you down  
If you get lost, you can always be found**_

_J__**ust know you're not alone**_  
_** Cause I'm going to make this place your home***_

_[One of Chuck's music apps is playing in the background as Sarah sits in front of the computer. A guitar plays softly as she switches on the camera.]_

Day 1,909: At least, I think that's right. I don't really know.

There's a lot I don't know. A lot I wish I remembered.

XXXXX

_[Sarah stops and turns head to listen to the song playing in the background]_

_[Still looking to the side] _It's so hard you know – being the only one that doesn't remember. _[Turns to face camera] _This road is so unfamiliar. And I have never felt so alone – not even after Dad was arrested or all that time in the CIA.

And I don't understand why it bothers me – why it hurts so much.

XXXXX

_[Small smile creeps across her face]_ I can't believe Chuck. He's been so _[pauses and says in a whisper]_ great. He keeps telling me I'm not alone. I've – I've never had a home – a real home – before. And even though I've always been alone ... _[pauses] ..._

I've begun to believe him.

XXXXX

When .. when he found me on the beach, he told me didn't want anything from me. He just wanted me to know that wherever I went, he would always be there to help me. Someone I could call.

Whenever.

_[Shakes head] _It's hard because ..._[pauses]..._ because I've never had anyone like that in my life.

I was so lost on that beach. I don't know how I got there or why I was there. But Chuck found me. I still can't believe he did.

_[shakes head and smiles]_ He told me he found me because he listened to his heart. He trusted his heart to find me.

..._[pauses]_... I wish I could trust my heart like that. But it's hard . And I'm afraid.

XXXXX

I don't know how he does it. It's got to be so hard on him too. But he's so – selfless. _[eyes widen as if coming to a realization]_

He's always been so selfless, putting my happiness above his own.

_[eyes continue to widen]_ This isn't the first time he's found me – saved me. He makes me feel comfortable ..._[pauses]... _safe.

XXXXX

_[Smile widens and eyes brighten as everything become clear] _Chuck is my home. He always has been._ ...[pauses]..._

_[singing along in her own words] _I was lost, but now I'm found…..

I've got to find him. _[jumps up and out of camera range]_

Chuck! _**Chuck**__!_

**_Fini._**

_*"Home" – single by Phillip Phillips from the album The World from the Side of the Moon. Written by Drew Pearson &amp; Greg Holden._


	3. Somebody's Baby

_**Somebody's Baby**_

_**A/N**__: Somebody's Baby by Jackson Browne is a song about a guy who is infatuated with a girl, and convinces himself that she must have a boyfriend. As he tries to work up the courage to talk to her, he keeps losing confidence by reminding himself that she's too fine not to be taken. Sound familiar._

_Consider this an out-take from The Pilot._

_I actually got the idea for this after re-reading NE71's great story, Chuck vs The Ringtone which features another Jackson Browne song._

_I can't put the lyrics in the story, and I can't put a link to the song in my story but I did put a link my profile. Go there if you want to have a listen._

_I don't own Chuck or Somebody's Baby but take comfort that Chuck __**is**__ Somebody._

_**xxxxxxxxxx**_

_**She's probably somebody's only light.  
Gonna shine tonight.  
Yeah, she's probably somebody's baby, all right.*  
**_

"_Chuck. Dude. She left you a card."_

Chuck stopped and shook his head as he got dressed. The events of the last couple of days had been playing in his mind since he got home.

He still couldn't believe what had happened. Vicki Vale had walked into the Buy More. Okay, maybe she wasn't Vicki Vale. She was better. She talked to him. He was going to be her tour guide tonight.

First he had her digits. Then - he had a date.

Thinking about it – thinking about her - was getting a little distracting, which allowed his nerves to take their place front and center, so he pressed play on the first playlist that popped up hoping to distract himself from his distraction named Sarah Walker.

The song that that filled the room - well - it really didn't help.

_**XXXXX**_

Chuck groaned as the lyrics to Jackson Browne's _Sombody's Baby_ brought him back down to earth.

She must be somebody's baby.

Hadn't he said the same thing - more or less - to Morgan just last night?

"_Why wouldn't you call this girl._

"_Oh, I don't know did you see her?"_

"_Yes. Oh man, yes. Which is why I repeat the question."_

"_Because I live on planet earth Morgan."_

And besides, she had to be somebody's baby. Really, she's just so fine.

Chuck stopped abruptly. Really? Did he have to start quoting the song now. That just felt - cheesy.

And then, her image, how she looked when she spoke with him flooded his mind.

And, really, she _was_ sooooo fine. His nerves and self doubt just got stronger as he wondered how a nerdy guy who works at the Buy More could possibly make her happy?

_**XXXXX**_

Chuck was never comfortable taking stock of himself. At least not since Stanford.

And Bryce…

And Jill…

Even he knew how ridiculous it was, but that didn't help either.

"_Well, I'm working on a five-year plan. I just need to choose a font."_

Really!? This is what he told an attractive brunette that showed interest in him when she asked what he did?

Ellie was right. Things had gotten out of control.

"_Even though we may ask, no woman really wants to hear about an old girlfriend. It's depressing, okay? Stanford was five years ago. You need to move on. It's time—"_

Really out of control.

"_Right. Well, I'll get over Jill tomorrow."_

But now, now he had met someone that made him forget about Stanford. Someone that was so beautiful, he had a hard time remembering what Jill looked like.

Someone – someone who came back looking for him.

"_I heard her talkin' with her friend when she thought nobody else was around."  
"I'm not sure I'm able to receive calls cause … I never got one from you."_

She came back looking for him…

_**XXXXX**_

"_Ellie, Captain, don't freak out. Remain calm. I have some news."_

He didn't get to deliver the news as Morgan rushed in and jumped him exclaiming: "_Chuck's got a date!"_

And with that, the cosmic force that is Ellie took over – asking questions about Sarah – setting out a wardrobe for the night, because honestly, did anyone think she would just suggest what I wear when I hadn't been out on a date in five years.

Okay, wait. Five year?!

That's just sad.

Had Jill been on a date?

Stop! Of course she had. He was sure it was a matter of weeks (days? hours?) after he left Stanford. Or was it before he left Stanford?

Chuck shook his head. This was not good. He couldn't think about Jill, or Bryce, or Stanford or Braggadocio, which was now the favorite font for his Five Year Plan.

It was time to get over his fright.

_**XXXXX**_

Chuck spent the next hour plus getting ready for his date with Sarah – physically and mentally. The mental might have been the most important part as he psyched himself out for his date. Chuck gave himself a pep talk in the shower, impersonated one of his male movie heroes and bumped his fist against the mirror, even kissed the mirror, kind of practicing – but not really – a good night kiss he hoped would happen.

Chuck even took fifteen minutes to decide whether to open the top button of his shirt or not. One decision was clear though. Chuck was going to wear his Chuck's!

As he got ready, he could not get the image of Sarah out of his mind.

"_Wow, you geeks are good."_

"_I'm sorry I left so quickly yesterday. I had an appointment with a realtor. I just moved here." _While shyly playing with her hands.

"_I, uh, don't really know anyone here. I was wondering if you could show me around. That is, if you're free.."_

And he couldn't believe her smile. It lit up her whole face, made her eyes shine so brilliantly - like stars – like diamonds against an ink black sky.

How many times had he looked into the night sky wondering if he would see that look in a woman's eyes?

And now he didn't know if it was his inner nerd or closet romantic that was showing through again.

He had pretty much set his mind that if she was gonna shine tonight, he would make her his tonight, when Ellie, carrying a bouquet of flowers, approached Chuck in the courtyard.

"_Chuck! Hey, so these are leftovers from the party. And, um, _(while arranging Chuck's shirt)_ don't forget about the old girlfriend don't."_

"_Got it. No mentioning of Jill."_

Ellie smiled and said_ "Aces, Charles. You're aces."_

Chuck couldn't help smiling_." A Dad quote. I'm impressed. Love you, sis."_

_**XXXXX**_

In Star Trek Six: Spockquoted from _The Sign of the Four_ by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle saying _"If you eliminate the impossible, whateer remains, however improbable, must be the truth."_

It was hard for him to not to think this was impossible. She was, after all, Sarah Walker. And although he didn't really know Sarah Walker – well, she was.

But here he was. bouquet of leftover flowers in his hand, about to knock on the door of Sarah Walker, the most beautiful woman he had ever met.

Somehow the last line from the song found it's way back into his memory and he smiled.

_**Gonna shine tonight, make her mine tonight.**_

Yeah, she's gonna be somebody's baby tonight.

_* "Somebody's Baby" – Single by Jackson Browne from the album Fast Times at Ridgemont High: Music from the Motion Picture. Written by Jackson Browne and Danny Kortchmar_


	4. Call Me Maybe

_**Call Me Maybe**_

_**AN**__: This is one of my video log entries originally published at Victoria Noir's - Sarah Walker's Mission Log - on tumblr. She e_nthusiastically _encouraged me to do this. I added to it a bit but it's still short and sweet._

_I can't put the lyrics in the story, and I can't put a link to the song in my story but I did put a link my profile. Go there if you want to have a listen._

_I don't own Chuck or Call Me Maybe, but that's okay because there's no maybe about Chuck and Sarah._

_XXXXX_

_**Where do you think you're going, baby?***_

_[KIIS-FM can be heard playing in the background as a Ryan Seacrest introduces the next song.]_

Here's a song that debuted at number 38 on American Top 40 Live just a few short weeks ago and is now at number ten. It's a song that Bill Lamb says_ "__describes the "infatuation and inconvenience of a love at first sight,"_

Ooookaay. Well, I think it's a lot more fun than that. Trust me, if you haven't heard this yet, you are in for a shock.

Here's Carly Rae Jepsen and "_Call Me Maybe_".

_[Sarah sits in front of the camera, a smile on her face as she listens to the beginning of the song.]_

Day 1,916 and it's been a great week. Really great! Ever since I told Chuck he is my home things have just been – great. _[shakes head]_

God, I'm acting just like a teenager.

_XXXXX_

_[Sarah's smile get wider as she listens to the song, wondering how many pennies and dimes she could pull together for another kiss.]_

I'm sorry, I – I just like this song. It's catchy and fun and it makes me want to sing along and ..

… and it reminds me of Chuck.

Well, the kiss actually.

The. One. Magic. Kiss.

On the beach. On our beach

_[Sarah looks wistful as the chorus begins]_

The kiss didn't bring back my memories, at least not the way Morgan said it would. But it did bring back - something.

I know it was a while ago but _[pause]_

I haven't told Chuck this yet, but _[pause]_

\- but my body remembered. It remembered what it was like to be kissed by him. And … and I liked it … well I liked him. I just …

It's hard. But when I looked right at him…

…I just didn't know what to do. I mean, it was crazy. Really, I had just met him and my body knew I loved him. And then this song …

_[Looks around shyly before she starts singing along with the song and getting … animated.]_

[points at screen] _Hey, I just met you,_  
[shakes head in exaggerated disbelief] _And this is crazy,_  
[hands over invisible business card] _But here's my number,_  
[brings imaginary phone up the ear] _So call me, maybe!_

Okay, wow. I am acting like such a teenager.

_[giggles and looks at the door]_ I just – I haven't – I don't know how to…

God I AM pathetic.

[looks at the camera shyly]

I haven't told him I love him yet. At first, I just didn't trust my heart. I didn't know how too. But, he's Chuck, and everyday, he proves to me that my heart is right. And I'm beginning to accept that and …

… I realize how much I miss him. I've tried to fight it and well that was foolish. Then I hear this song and … I … well …

[points finger at camera and waves it in time with the music] _Before you came into my life_  
_I missed you so bad__  
__I missed you so bad__  
__I missed you so, so bad_

_[A deep sigh escapes Sarah as she looks at the camera]_

I never loved anyone before Chuck and even when I didn't remember … anything … I knew I missed … I missed him so, so bad. I knew I loved him.

I know I love him.

I love him and I haven't told him yet …

_[Chuck's voice can be heard from off camera]:_

You love me? You remember you love me?

_[Sarah jumps in surprise. Eyes wide, she turns toward Chuck and turns red from her neck up as the song keeps playing]_

_It's hard to look right_  
_At you baby,_

_[The song seems to have the right words to say, even if Sarah doesn't]_

_And you should know that__  
__I missed you so, so bad (bad, bad)_

_[A smile grows on Sarah's face as she looks directly at Chuck]_

Yes. _[nods head, never taking her eyes off Chuck] _

I fell for you a long, long time ago.

_But here's my number,_

… after you fixed my phone..

_So call me, maybe!_

… even though you never called me.

So yes.

Yes.

_As the song ends, we hear Ryan Seacrest say: _That was _Call Me Maybe_. No maybe about it - trust me - this one's going to be around for a long, long time.

_[Camera gets knocked over, followed by Sarah giggling before the camera cuts off.]_

_*"Call Me Maybe" – single by Carly Rae Jepsen, from the album Curiosity and Kiss. Written by Carly Rae Jepsen, Josh Ramsey, Tavish Crowe, Rene Dif_

_A/N#2: I like to post on Monday &amp; Thursday but I'm posting this a day early. My daughter is getting married this weekend and I don't know how much time I'll have in the next couple of days. That will also explain why you may not get an update until Tuesday of next week. Hope you liked this..._


	5. A Question and an Answer

_A/N: For this one, I picked music without any words. It doesn't need them, telling the whole story in beautiful, sensitive notes. If you haven't heard it, you can find timjonescomposer over on Soundcloud. You can also go to my tumblr page - I've posted the version used in the finale, most notably at the beach. Tim said that this version was different in that all the others were open ended, while this one had an ending._

__I also put a link my profile. Go there if you want to have a listen.__

_I don't own Chuck or I don't have an answer to why Chuck and Sarah aren't on the air anymore, but there is no question they are together - wherever they are__._

_I hope you enjoy!_

**A Question and an Answer:**

_Sarah looks pensive as she sits in front of the computer, the camera catching the sadness in her eyes._

Day 1,925. Something _[PAUSE]_ unexpected happened. I, uh, I …

_[PAUSE]_

Chuck has been so great and things have been really coming together for the two of us the last couple of weeks. I've never been so comfortable, and I guess – [SHRUGS] without all the tension, I've been getting more memories back. One came back yesterday. I remembered sitting in my hotel room and Chuck asking …

_[PAUSES AND FROWNS LOOKING DOWN]_

begging … he begged me to tell him something about myself. My name. Where I went to school. My middle name. I remembered looking down at my hands, not wanting to look at him knowing if I did, I .. I ..I don't know.

And then, I remember whispering my middle name when he turned away.

_[PAUSE]_

I know that's all I could give him back then and – and I, uh – I wanted to make it right. So last night, after dinner we were sitting on the couch and I, uh – I told him I had a surprise for him. _[GRINS SHYLY]_

You know how Chuck is. He tried to hide them but all of his emotions went across his face from panic to excitement. He tried really hard to school himself, but that lopsided grin he has kind of gave everything away. Anyway, I told him what I had remembered that morning and I – I wanted to make it right and tell him something I had never told anyone else – that my name, my real name was Sam.

_[LONG PAUSE]_

I _[PAUSE]_

I did – _[WIPES TEAR FROM EYE]_ I, uh, didn't expect what happened next.

I – I expected Chuck to be surprised, excited and happy and see that great big smile on his face. But _[PAUSE]_

.. the hurt _[WIPES EYES AGAIN]_ the pain I saw on his face. I – I couldn't figure out where it was coming from.

And I started to get angry. And – and _[PAUSES, TRYING TO CONSOLE HERSELF]_

_[IN A WHISPER]_ And then I remembered. The memory - it came back.

I remembered telling him – Shaw – [_TAKES DEEP BREATH_] I remembered telling Shaw and … and finding out Chuck heard me do it.

_[LONG PAUSE]_ He had the same look on his face then as he did now. I hurt him so much. And I was hurting him again. And I didn't know what to do – and Chuck [PAUSE] he – he reached over and took my hands in his, he looked through his tears, right into my eyes and told me that – he told me that he loves me.

_[CRYING WINS OUT – AND A LONG PAUSE]_

_[WIPING TEARS FROM HER FACE AND LOOKS STERNLY INTO CAMERA]_

So, we have a new rule. Well, its and old rule actually. No secrets, no lies. We are going to talk about everything. And we have a lot to talk about, because … because all those memories of … that time … they came back.

All of them.

_[PAUSE]_

It was awful.

I was confused why I couldn't remember us talking about it and, you know, fixing it? _[PAUSE]_

Chuck told me we never did. _[WHISPERS]_ I guess we were afraid.

[_STRAIGHTENS UP AND LOOKS DEFIANTLY INTO CAMERA_] Not anymore.

I'm not afraid, because I know, without a shadow of a doubt that Chuck loves me and he will always love me.

And I love him. So, for every question, there will be an answer.

[_TURNS OFF CAMERA_]

_A/N 2: For those of you wondering, the wedding was wonderful. It truly was a beautiful day. And the music inspired a couple of chapters that are in the beginning stages on my hard drive._

_Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed this._


	6. And So This Is Christmas (the prelude)

**And So This Is Christmas **_**(the prelude**_**)**

**_AN_**_: I wrote this a few years ago for Frea O'Scanlin's wonderful Holiday e-book "Prepare To Be Heartwarmed", a __collection of stories by several authors in the Chuck fanfictiondom. I'm pretty sure mine was the only entry from someone who had never posted before. I didn't know much what I was doing back then. Can't say I know much more now. Most of the other stories in the collection have made it to this site. I figured it was time to post mine – especially since I've begun a postlude that takes us out a few more years._

__Happy Xmas (War is Over) isn't your typical Christmas song, but Chuck and Sarah aren't your typical couple_._

_I can't put the lyrics in the story, and I can't put a link to the song in my story but I did put a link my profile. Go there if you want to have a listen._

_I don't own Chuck or Happy Christmas, but I'm convinced it's a happy one for Chuck and Sarah._

_XXXXX_

**I**

_(Happy Christmas, Kyoko_

_Happy Christmas, Julian)_

**Christmas Eve 2006**

**ME Cabo Resort**

**Cabo San Lucas, Mexico**

_So this is Christmas_

_And what have you done_

_Another year over_

_A new one just begun_

It was playing on the plane as they boarded.

She hadn't heard it in years, but Sarah knew the words by heart.

And now, not even the gentle surf lapping the graceful sweep of Playa el Medano could get the song out of her head. A Christmas song - one that spoke to the unsettled and unsettling life she had led - one that brought up far too many memories that haunted her - was haunting her. The song was becoming far too big a distraction and taking up far too much of her attention.

Bryce didn't deserve that.

He had surprised her by booking their get away to Cabo San Lucas, and shocked her when she realized they were staying at ME Cabo, one of the premiere resorts just steps down to the sea. The look of surprise and wonder on her face as they walking into the lobby emboldened him to hold her a little tighter and whisper _"Merry Christmas"_ before registering the Andersons into their suite.

He told her that he chose ME Cabo because at its heart is the belief that "Everything Is Possible." The look in his eyes told her that he hoped they were possible. Were they? The words to the song kept playing in her head as she looked at the azure blue water from her balcony. Another year over and what have I done?

It had been an exciting year. Bryce was a great spy, a great partner. She wasn't sure exactly when the lines started to blur between personal and professional, but there was no denying she and Bryce had formed a strong bond - one that had crossed the line and changed things for them forever.

She hadn't realize how much she needed to cross that line, how much she needed … someone …. something. And there was Bryce, handsome, charming, eager to cross the line with her.

And safe. He was safe. There was no fear.

So why did she feel something was missing. Why did she feel - empty.

Bryce came up behind her slipping his arms around her waist. His breath on her neck brought her back to the present, and really, wasn't that all she could live for?

"_Penny for you thoughts, Mrs. Anderson" _Bryce whispered.

Sarah leaned back into him, shaking away her last reservation. It was Christmas, a time of new hope. She wasn't sure if what she felt was hope. She wasn't sure she was really feeling anything. But Sarah Walker was not going to let anything distract her from right here, right now. She silently vowed to make this year a good one and deflected Bryce's question with _"Merry Christmas, Mr. Anderson. Let's make this one to remember."_

She didn't count on how those memories would haunt her.

_And so this is Christmas_

_I hope you have fun_

_The near and the dear ones_

_The old and the young_

**II**

**Christmas Eve 2007**

**Burbank BuyMore**

**Burbank, CA**

_A very merry Christmas_

_And a happy New Year_

_Let's hope it's a good one_

_Without any fear_

The party was winding down when she first heard it. It was an odd song choice for the Buy More Christmas party. Maybe that's why it struck a nerve. Or maybe because the last time she heard it she was with Bryce, making vows she couldn't keep.

She should have known better. Hoping for a good year without any fear didn't fit the job description.

She couldn't remember a time she lived without any fear.

She certainly didn't feel safe anymore. But what had feeling safe brought her anyway?

Lies …

…..betrayal and heartache…

….loneliness and isolation …

Confusion. She couldn't help the underlying question from repeating itself over and over. _"What do I want? What do I want to believe?"_

Did she believe Bryce or did she just want to.

"_Because I'm not a rogue spy. Because the intersect was a mission._

_Because Sarah, you're still in love with me."_

Did she desperately want to?

Was it confusion that had caused the incident? Or what happened afterwards?

"_I think we need to discuss the fact that you let your emotions get in the way today."_

"_My emotions?"_

"_Things have been a little off since the incident Chuck"_

Sarah had never had to deal with all these emotions all at one time. Instead of the soft glow of Christmas lights adorning homes and trees, she faced the glare of a spotlight - an interrogation light. She couldn't wrestle her emotions under control. Bryce knew that.

"_You were never good at this. The saying your feelings part."_

So she didn't.

"_Was it actually about me?"_

Why did he have to ask that.

"_What happened was a mistake. One I will not make again."_

Was it a mistake? Was she making another vow she couldn't keep?

"_Do I even want to keep it?"_

What did she want?

"_Do you ever just want to have a normal life?_

_Have a family? Children?"_

_(War is Over, if you want it, war is over now)_

She couldn't help a little smile when she heard those words. She had been at war. All of her aggressions had been against Chuck, but that wasn't fair. She wasn't at war with Chuck. She was at war with herself.

Chuck had called the truce - again. He let her off the hook and gave her an opening to say something that meant … something.

"_Look it's also kind of a.. kind of a thank you … for .. believing in me when you had good reason not to."_

"_Well, it's my job, you know. It's what I do. It's … the one thing I'm good at."_

"_Really? Cause I'm pretty sure you're good at a lot of things."_

"_Well as you can see from everything that happened with Bryce … I'm… not so good at relationships."_

_And so this is Christmas _

_For weak and for strong_

_The rich and the poor ones_

_The road is so long_

She shook her head and sighed. She had promised to fix this and she was going to try. Coming to the Buy More Christmas party was a start, but she knew there was more that needed to be tended to. And she was vowed to tend to it.

"_Chuck you're good at your job too. And not just here fixing computers. You know, the one where you risk your life to save others the one that you didn't ask for but .. were supposed to have."_

"_Friends?"_

"_Yeah friends."_

Is that all she wanted? Friends?

Sarah wasn't really sure, but it was a start.

And the road is so long.

That's when it clicked. She was in it for the long haul. For the first time in what seemed like forever, she sighed in relief and the sigh pushed the loneliness and isolation back, just out of reach. She wasn't sure where the road would lead her, but wherever it did, she would follow it…

….. as long as Chuck was there.

_(War is Over, if you want it, war is over now)_

"_Merry Christmas Chuck!"_

**III**

**Christmas Eve 2008**

**Casella's Trees Burbank Tree Lot**

**Burbank, CA**

She didn't hear it at first.

The echo of the ear-splitting "BANG" and the sudden pressure she felt in her ears carried on for a good minute.

And then dead silence. Everything was moving in slow motion. Somehow the words cut through the silence, bringing her back to right here - right now.

_So happy Christmas_

_For black and for white_

_For yellow and red ones_

_Let's stop all the fight_

The bracelet on her wrist was shaking slightly. If she kept telling herself that it was from the recoil of the gun, she might start to believe it.

_What have I done?_

It was part of the job description. The intersect was an important asset. It was her job to make sure it never fell into the wrong hands. She could never send Mauser far enough away, bury him deep enough in a government holding facility, to ensure that. Sarah did what she had to. She sent him as far away as possible and the identity of the intersect would be buried along with him.

She steeled herself as best she told herself she had done the right thing. She had promised Chuck that she would never let anyone hurt him. She was keeping her promise.

It was part of the job description.

Except, it wasn't about the job. It wasn't about the intersect. It hadn't been for the past year.

It was about Chuck.

It was all about Chuck.

She had been … what did he call it? … _heart-warmed_? He had no idea how accurate that statement was. The icy cold heart of a trained assassin had been warmed by this kind, wonderful man. She was changing. He was changing her. She wasn't sure what she was feeling, but she knew for sure that she _was_ feeling. It warmed her heart.

It scared her.

Fear was one of the feelings she could easily identify. She had almost lost Chuck. She was still in danger of loosing Chuck and that was a prospect she did not want to face. Sarah didn't kill Mauser to protect the asset. She killed Mauser to protect Chuck - to protect herself.

She looked down at the bracelet on her wrist. It calmed her as she remembered their conversation in the Buy More. It was good luck. It was something real, something he should give to a real girlfriend.

All he said was _"I know"_

_He knew I could be heart-warmed._

That's when Sarah knew it was real. She certainly didn't know what to do about it but she couldn't deny it.

She knew this for certain.

It's real.

_A very merry Christmas_

_And a happy New Year_

_Let's hope it's a good one_

_Without any fear_

Sarah pulled herself together. She had to go to Chuck. She had to be with him. But she knew she had to hide this from him. He deserved a happy Christmas, without any fear.

And she wanted a happy Christmas, her first in years.

She hoped it would continue all year.

**IV**

**Christmas Eve 2009**

**Castle**

**Burbank, CA**

The words cut through her like a serrated knife through stale bread. It felt as if parts of her were strewn about like dry crumbs left behind by the knife's roughshod work.

Big parts of her … parts of her heart.

_And so this is Christmas _

_(War is over, if you want it, war is over now)_

_And what have we d.._.

_**CLICK!**_

No!

She would not listen.

She would not remember.

It hurt too much and she would not hurt.

She didn't feel anything and that was how she wanted it to stay.

Another year over and what have I done?

I broke the spies cardinal rule and felt things I had never felt before.

I broke the spies cardinal rule and experienced things I never want to experience again.

Betrayal and heartache…

….loneliness and isolation …

Confusion.

_How could he?_

She never believed that Chuck would cause the same feelings Bryce had caused.

He hadn't. This was worse - by a hundred fold.

She had been betrayed before, but it had never been personal.

This was personal. She had given him her heart and he abandoned her.

And she didn't know how to deal with it.

So she wouldn't.

Nothing could ever warm her heart enough to replace the icy cold heart of the assassin that slipped back into place.

"_I don't do Christmas."_

"_What happened was a mistake. One I will not make again."_

She never wanted him to be a spy. She never wanted him to change. She should have protected him, but she didn't. It was because of her that he was doing this.

Because he loved her.

"_You have to know you are everything I ever wanted."_

She had made a mistake. He chose to be a spy because of her.

"_And you're the one that taught me that being a spy is about choosing something bigger. That it's about putting aside your own personal feelings for the greater good and that's what I choose … I choose to be a spy for my friends and my family and you. I choose to be a spy because … Sarah, I love you…"_

Because he loved her.

And because she loved him, she needed to not feel. Feelings get you killed - it's part of the job. She made a promise to protect him, and now she had to protect him from himself.

She would make sure he was protected for his near and dear ones.

It's her job.

**V **

**Christmas Eve 2010**

**Chuck's Apartment**

**Echo Park, CA**

Sarah's finger quickly flipped through the songs on Chuck's playlist but couldn't find the one she was looking for. She frowned. Was it even possible he didn't have it?

No. Impossible, she thought. Then she realized she wasn't certain she knew the correct name of the song. When she couldn't find _So This Is Christma_s, she flipped over to Chuck's Christmas playlist … _It's so cute he does this_ she thought, and scrolled down until she found a song by John Lennon … _Happy Christmas_ …. and bit her lower lip as she pressed play.

Her eyes grew as big as a little girl seeing the Christmas tree for the first time Christmas morning - her smile was brighter than the hundreds of lights on their tree - _Our tree! _\- as she let the words wash over her.

_So this is Christmas_

_And what have you done_

_Another year over_

_A new one just begun_

She smiled at the words. So much had changed over the past year. She had changed so much over the past year. She had the courage to face her fear head on. She finally realized her fears, her greatest fears were about her. About being hurt.

She took them on one by one.

She took the first step towards a real commitment:

"_No body ever taught me how to live a normal life. I'd like to have something to fall back on when our spy life is over."_

And then a bigger step.

"_It's official!_

_I've never had a real home and I wanted this to feel like one. _

_Look I know that it's probably taken me longer than a normal girl but you should know that … you're my home Chuck. You always have been."_

She faced the fear of being hurt (again) and trusted Chuck with her heart.

"_I love you. It shouldn't have taken me this long to say it but I've never felt this way. Before you, the only future I could think about was my next missions. And now all I can think about is a future with you."_

"_I love you Chuck."_

And then she let go of everything and gave herself to this wonderful man.

"_I love you Chuck. Nothing is ever going to change that. And if you ask me for real … then my answer … would be yes."_

Okay, she knew she had to say it to him when he was awake, but she knew she would.

Soon.

She was planning on it.

Planning. A future.

It amazed her how peaceful it was to think about the future. A real future. Their real future.

She had changed. It wasn't about just her anymore. It was about them.

_And so this is Christmas_

_And we hope you have fun_

_The near and the dear ones_

_The old and the young_

Chuck came up behind her slipping his arms around her waist. His breath on her neck brought her back to the present, a present she relished because it held the promise of a real future.

"_Penny for you thoughts, Mrs. Bartowski" _Chuck whispered.

Sarah leaned back into him, enjoying the warmth and safety of his embrace and thought for a moment. As she turned to face him, careful to never let his arms fall away from her, she tilted her head and smiled up at him.

"_I finally realized this – you - you are my Christmas!"_

Chuck leaned back, looking a little confused, but Sarah wouldn't let him get too far away.

She pulled him in close, so close that her lips were at his ear when she answered his question. _"I'm happy. I can't remember the last time I was this happy on Christmas. You make me happy. You are my Christmas."_

She could feel the smile spread across his face as he pulled her in even tighter. The two of them started to sway to the beat, dancing like lover do, safe in each others arms.

_A very merry Christmas_

_And a happy New Year_

_Let's hope it's a good one_

_Without any fear_

It had taken her a long time to get here, but now she knew.

_**This is Christmas!**_

War is over, if you want it

War is over now

"_Happy Christmas, Sarah."_

'_Happy Christmas, Chuck,"_

_**C'est fini!**_

_*"Happy Xmas (War is Over)" – single by John Lennon &amp; Yoko Ono, released in 1971 as a single by John &amp; Yoko/Plastic Ono Band and the Harlem Community Choir._

_A/N#2: I know it's been a long time since the last update. I blame it on a non-stop work schedule – but I'm thankful to be working. You can thank (or blame) Altonish for this entry. I was thrilled to see his updates to Another Stocking and one thing led to another – and here I am. I plan on posting the postlude to this sometime next week and then who knows….._


	7. When You Need Me

**A/N**_: You probably have to be a big fan of Bruce Springsteen to have heard When You Need Me. _

_I am._

_It can only be found on Tracks__, __the four disc box set that consists mostly of never-before-released songs recorded during the sessions for his many albums. I chose this song to dance with my daughter at her wedding because I wanted her to trust I would always be there for her and her new husband, no matter what. _

_The words have stuck with me ever since and I've been wondering if this song could have influenced Chuck – and if so, how._

_Consider this a lost scene between Chuck and Morgan's courtyard conversation and Chuck finding Sarah on the beach in The Goodbye._

_I can't put all the lyrics in the story, and I can't put a link to the song in my story but I did put a link my profile. Go there if you want to have a listen._

_I don't own Chuck or When You Need Me but take comfort that whenever Sarah needs Chuck, he'll be there._

_Always._

_**xxxxxxxxxx**_

_When you need me call my name  
'cause without you my life just wouldn't be the same  
If you want me come sunny skies or rain  
When you need me just call my name_

Chuck wasn't sure how long he sat in his car, just watching her on the beach. He wondered if this was where she sat while watching him five years ago. What did she think about that night?

Chuck shook his head slowly. He was pretty sure he already knew the answer.

It was about trust.

Sarah needed to ease his fears and gain his trust.

And she did.

She spoke to his heart and he listened.

Sarah asked him to trust her.

And he did

The courtyard conversation with Morgan helped him remember that.

_"__Morgan, she could be anywhere."_

_"__Okay, you know where she is. You told me to listen to our hearts, because our brains only screw us up."_

_"__I was in love then."_

_"__You're still in love. I want you to imagine something for me, okay? Where is she right now? Don't think. Use your heart."_

Morgan was right. Chuck's brain had screwed it all up.

He was so focused on analyzing her every word and gesture, on running endless "what if" scenario's through his head, on trying to tell her all they did together in an effort to force them back together that he lost sight of what was most important.

He'd lost sight of her.

He was so consumed by his loss, he neglected to consider her's.

Sarah had lost everything too.

_Without you, I'm nobody. I'm nothing but a spy._

How could he have forgotten? How could he have been so selfish?

Chuck knew he had to find her. He was still in love and it was time to start proving it.

His heart helped him find her, but his brain wanted to tell him what to say. He sat in his car staring at her on the beach, wondering what he was going to say to win her back. Thoughts and words started pushing each other around in his head, jockeying for position in the rambling nonsense that was filling his head and crowding out his heart.

He turned on the radio, hoping to drown out the noise in his head. He was a little surprised that it was tuned to E Street Radio. As good as Bruce might be, he just didn't appeal to his indie loving ears and this was not one of the stations he had programed in. But the heart wants what the heart wants and with the first few lines of the song his heart shushed his brain quiet and listened, really listened

_If you miss me, I'll be there - to brush the sunlight from your hair  
_…. Chuck had never heard this song before and he found himself listening closely as Bruce told a story of trust, of promise.

_I'll be there to guide you when trouble walks beside you … _He listened to this man offer is two strong arms to hold his love, protecting her from the dirty world. He remembered Sarah telling him how safe she felt with him, how he had saved her. He thought about how she had saved him and what a great team they made.

Without her, his life would not be the same.

And right now, her life was not.

_And when those mean days come along  
We'll stand together and we'll take 'em on_

Chuck smiled when the song reminded his heart of Sarah's own words.

_"__We knew this wasn't going to be easy and we didn't get married because we thought life was easy, we got married so that we could be there for each other when things got tough. That we could work through things together, rich or poor."_

She picked him up. He picked her up. That's what they did, almost from the very beginning.

Now, it was Chuck's turn. Time to prove that his promise of unconditional love was not just empty words. He knew he had to prove it every day moving forward, and if that meant letting her go, that was what he would do.

Looking at her now on the beach, she looked so lost, so alone. He needed to be there for her. He knew what he had to do as, almost as an afterthought, he repeated the songs sentiment _"Sarah you need me, and I'll be there." _and got out of the car.

The walk down the beach was terrifying. How would she react? Would she send him away, reject him completely? "_Don't freak out_" he whispered to himself just before he sat down next to Sarah wondering how to start.

He started with the truth.

_"__I was hoping you'd be here."_

_ "__This place is important, isn't it?"_

_"__Yeah, yeah, very much. This is actually where you told me I was going to be okay. That I could trust you. "  
"And that's exactly what I'm doing now. I'm asking you to trust me."  
"Sarah, I don't I don't want anything from you. _

_I-I just need you to know that wherever you go, I'll always be there to help you. _

_Someone you can call. _

_Whenever. _

_Trust me, Sarah._

_I'm here for you"_

_"__Always.__"_

_So if you need me I'll be there_

**_C'set fini!_**

_* When You Need Me - song by Bruce Springsteen found on Tracks  
Tracks, a four disk set released in 1998. Read more at bruce-springsteen/when-you-need-me-lyrics/#CT9sAkI6PqcDeXlf.99_

**A/N #2**: _Hi. Miss me? _

_I know it's been a while. To quote a John Lennon song "Life is what happens __to you while you're busy making other plans." Anyway, you can thank (or blame) it on ne71. His Chuck vs The Friendly Wager reminded me I have few more songs playing in my head. _

_Hopefully it doesn't take me two years to spit them out._


End file.
